The Fireman Diet – you should try it!
My sister in law, Tamie, decided I should substitute at her elementary school. Frankly, my balloon never lands and despite having never finished college, I decided she had a good idea and I applied. My first assignment was a bunch of unruly 2nd graders, the boys were especially wild. About my third day on the job, the other 2nd grade teachers scheduled the fire department to visit the whole second grade and teach us how to leave the house, and what to do if our clothes were on fire.
The firemen were all very nice looking, as they always are, but there was this one that made George Clooney look like a dog. He had these blue eyes that I still remember to this day. Anyway, he wanted one of the teachers to volunteer to be his ‘helper.’ One teacher was quite large and she walked right out of the room, one was older and had just had knee replacement surgery (she did limp, or at least, always in front of me), and the other wore a long black skirt, and that left me to volunteer.
I walked up to the front of the classroom and the fireman proceeded to put his personal fireman clothes on me. Since the clothes were so heavy, he wanted to help. At the time, I was overweight not feeling really great about myself. The fly on the pants was made of Velcro and he couldn’t get it closed. I’ll never forget the look on his face as he put both his hands on my hips and kept squeezing me tighter, his whole body shook as he used all his strength to get his pants to close up around me, but to no avail; he couldn’t close up the pants. I remember this so well because apparently, when you’re putting firefighting clothes on another person, you have to stand about 3 inches from that person’s face the entire time. Those blue eyes of his and his hands all over me, it’s as close as I’ve ever been to cheating on my husband. With all eyes from the entire 2nd grade and the eyes of 2 of the 3 teachers on me, I mouthed to the fireman, ‘Let’s just not worry about it,’ and he gave up and finished dressing me. I had on his boots, pants with suspenders, shirt, jacket, and hat. It was all very heavy and I looked like a sight, a big fat sight and my fly was still open, no less.
He then explained to the children that if they ever had their clothes catch on fire, they were to ‘Stop, drop, and roll!’ Then, he asked me to show the kids how. You know, I’m not usually shy, but this was doing me in. Since, I’ve never been a very limber, gymnastic, type person, I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to improvise these moves.
It’s not over.
So with all the fireman’s garb on and no athletic ability to my name, I threw myself on the floor and rolled around while the fireman put my fire out.
Luckily, 2nd grade boys are the sweetest creatures on the face of the earth. The boys in my little class started cheering me and the other boys joined in, then the girls and soon the whole 2nd grade was roaring with appreciation for the fireman having put out my fire. I WAS A ROCK STAR!! They had been thoroughly entertained and I had been better than a good sport. I’ll skip the part where the fireman helped me get out of his clothes. I was dazed wonder, how I, a prude of the prudiest, had allowed one of South Jordan, Utah’s finest to get to second base with me that day.
Of course, that Saturday, I went straight to Weight Watchers, and did what I called, ‘The Fireman Diet.’ (I think they called it the point system.) Thankfully, our family has never had a reason to call the fire department, but if we ever do and ‘blue eyes’ shows up, I’m going to stop, drop and keep on rolling.